If you’re like some business owners, you spend a fair amount of time each day devising search engine strategies to increase your chances of getting banned from Google. Now, we can’t prove that certain business owners do this, but based on some of the practices we see, we have to believe this is so.

Assuming you’re one of these forward-thinkers, we at CyberOptik want to assist you in your quest to disappear from the search engines. So here are eleven great ways to get banned from Google. (And these tips really do work, so don’t say we didn’t warn you. For real help, view our actual SEO services.)

Why You’d Want to Get Banned From Google

Organic Search is Overrated

Who needs organic search when you can pay for every single visitor to your website? It’s like buying a ticket for every ride at the amusement park, even the ones you don’t want to go on.

Trust & Credibility are for the Weak

Building trust and credibility with your visitors is so passé. Why bother when you can spam your way to the top? After all, who needs a good reputation when you can have instant gratification?

Understanding the Voice of the Consumer is Overrated

Why bother understanding what your customers want when you can instead tell them what they need? After all, you’re the expert.

User Experience, Schmuser Experience

Who needs a good user experience when you can trick people into clicking on your site? After all, it’s not about making your users happy; it’s about getting those clicks!

Local SEO is for Small Fish

Why limit yourself to a specific vicinity when you can target the entire world? Sure, it might be harder to rank globally, but who cares? Go big or go home, right?

How To Get Banned From Google

So, there you have it. Elleven surefire ways to get banned from Google. But why stop there? The world of black hat SEO is full of exciting opportunities to get on Google’s naughty list. So, go forth and conquer. Or, you know, get banned—same thing.

1. Cloaking: The Art of Deception

Cloaking is a deceptive practice where the content shown to the search engine spider differs from that shown to the user’s browser. Give Google (and its users) a compelling search-result description while having that link go to a completely unrelated page on your site. Users hate being redirected to a page they aren’t interested in, and Google doesn’t like it, either.

2. Plagiarism: Because Originality is Overrated

You’ve got some keyword-rich pages, so make the most of them by pasting them on other pages and blog posts across your site. Better – steal content from other websites and use it word-for-word on yours. And don’t worry about copyright infringement because nobody ever gets hauled into court for that anymore.

3. Keyword Stuffing: More is Always Better

Keyword stuffing.. need we say more? Look into adding as many keywords to your website as you can. Include them in your meta tags, body content, and let’s throw them in the header and footer, just to be safe. Try super-hot keywords that you can use within your content, regardless of your business type. Make liberal use of high-traffic keywords/phrases like “Lose 25 pounds in one month,” “Insider’s gambling secrets,” “How to pick up any woman,” and “Kim Kardashian.”

4. Irrelevant Backlinks: Because Relevance is Boring

In 2011 it was found that the retailer had live links on 2,015 pages in cyberspace that took clickers to its main dresses page. Those links appeared on websites about fishing, online games, dentists, snoring, diseases, hotel furniture, and other irrelevant sites. Google banned JC Penny, and after fixing the problem, it took the company three months to regain its rankings. Your results could be similar.

5. Hidden Text: Now You See Me, Now You Don’t

All you have to do is add chunks of garbled but keyword-charged text the same color as the page background so that the search engines will see it, but readers won’t. Google hates being tricked, which is a great way to stir up a lot of animosity.

6. Misleading Title Tags: Keep ‘Em Guessing

Who wants a clear, concise title tag when you can have a confusing, keyword-stuffed one? Don’t worry about a clear description – instead, make sure important keywords are stacked in there. For example, if you run a mold removal company, a good title for a page about mold cleanup might be: Mold Removal Mold Inspection Water Damage New Trucks CEO Fired — doesn’t that sound like something Google would eat up? Remember, the goal is to confuse both Google and your users. It’s a win-win.

7. Overuse of Ads: Because Who Needs Content?

Why bother with valuable content when you can fill your website with ads? Sure, your users might need help finding basic information on your site, but who cares? You’re not here to provide a service but to make money. Make sure there’s absolutely zero white space on your website; fill up every last pixel!

8. Spammy Structured Markup: Confuse the Bots

Structured data is a way to help Google understand your content. But why make things easy for Google when you can make them confusing? Add irrelevant structured data to your pages to keep Google guessing. It’s like a puzzle, but the pieces don’t fit together.

9. Doorway Pages: The More, The Merrier

Why have one page about a topic when you can have 100? Create multiple pages with the same content but slightly different keywords. It’s not about quality; it’s about quantity. Better yet, why not 1,000 pages?

10. Affiliate Programs Without Adding Value: Middleman Extraordinaire

Why create original content when you can link to someone else’s? Join an affiliate program and fill your site with links to their products. Don’t bother adding any original content or reviews; link away. It’s like being a middleman but without having to do any customer service.

11. Unnatural Inbound Links: Friends in Low Places

Why earn links from reputable websites when you can buy them from shady ones? The more links, the better, right? And if those links come from spammy websites, that’s a bonus. You should also respond to every email you’ve gotten from people selling links and purchase them all.

Remember, folks; this is all in good fun.

In reality, we should all strive to follow Google’s guidelines and create high-quality, valuable content for our users. But every now and then, it’s fun to imagine what it would be like on the dark side. Just don’t stay there too long. Google has a long memory. If you’d like help with your organization’s SEO strategy, get in touch.